I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
well he is only 50 percent black.. but after last night i am 100 percent not going back
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
Randomize
