i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
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