He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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