I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
I got really high with eric & scott.. they're discussing why words sound the way they do.. it's going to get messy
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Randomize
