I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
