just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
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