I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
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