Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
Randomize
