I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Randomize
