We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
Randomize
