I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
But never have I ever had sex with a dirty talker before, so it was something else, to say the least. I signed up to get laid, not play Penthouse Mad Libs.
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
she gave me head while i watched the '98 Rose Bowl on espn classic. Ryan Leaf really was a huge bust
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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