I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
Princesses don't give blow jobs
I think any school that has COCKS written on it's baseball hats has their priorities straight.
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
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