How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
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