I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Randomize
