My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
I just gargled with NyQuil
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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