I murdered the dance floor call the cops
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
