so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
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