can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
Who are these men, what are we doing here, how is this helping us toward our goals of sex and pasta? Things to consider.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
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