i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
can i bring anything?
Any of the following: Sex doll, side dish, fruits/vegetables that look like dildos, beer
is there a theme i should know about?
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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