highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
I yelled at your uterus for you.
Randomize
