Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
Today as a vday present for myself I am walking in between any couples I see on campus.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
How drunk are you?
Completed.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
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