Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
I am fine. Katie thinkr i broke things pole dancing. I am coherant.
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
