Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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