At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
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