Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
Could someone please kill snooki before she contributes to the gene pool.
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
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