I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.
You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
Randomize
