It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
That's when you crack a 10am beer
My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
Randomize
