just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
