dude your cousin who was wearing the skirt wasn't wearing any underwear
gross she's a slut
yea she doesn't shave either
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
Randomize
