I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Randomize
