Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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