Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
just had to take a 4 hour nap to write a one page paper. its obviously the week after winter break.
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
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