Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
Randomize
