she woke up with a sticky ear
a guy from my religion class just walked in with a red cup. hello first friday of 2nd semester.
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
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