I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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