in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
How far into the semester do we have to be before it's ok to get drunk in between classes again?
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
Is the Glover Park Chipotle past the strip club?
Why is that your only point of reference?
Just answer the question
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Randomize
