i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
Randomize
