I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
let's skip the party, and just play drunken wii, again. its time to give my vag a break.
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
I can't put those talents on a resume
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize
