Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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