perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
Randomize
