dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Randomize
