Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
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