I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
Randomize
