The maid of honor just puked.
The brown eye won't let me do that either.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
Randomize
