I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Randomize
