its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
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