Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
I just got carded by a ten year old.
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
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