sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
Randomize
