My liver just broke up with me...
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
what is with people arguing over soda or pop? to be honest i thought it was just called chaser
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
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