I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
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