Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
quadriplegic porn is always funny
no. no its not
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
