Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
there was a trapeze. enough said
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
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