I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
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