On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
We talked him into tasing himself.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Randomize
