Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
