my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
