I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
What happened with the girl wasn't a gay thing. It was just a mutual respect and want for sex. The guys just weren't there.
Call it what you want. You fucked a girl.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
Randomize
