Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
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