mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
Edward fifth and chaser hands
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
I can't decide which is the most disgusting: emily having sex on the stairwell of a frat, michelle shaving her vagina with a razor she found in a frat bathroom, or me getting fingered on the dance floor by some rando. opinions?
Randomize
