My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
I guess she didn't feel like it. There was hair all over it and everything
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
I think i got my first booty call. it was like she came to my house. sex. leave.
Congratulations. Welcome to the wonderful world of quick dirty secret sexy time.
thanks... i think. haha
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
