i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
Horny girl and non horny girl have different views on life
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
Randomize
