I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
