so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
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