I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
Randomize
