I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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