JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
Randomize
